The Diary of an Epileptic Asshole
When Epis(ep-ee-s) Attack!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Meet the Epi (ep-ee)
Midterm day: two seizures

I had two seizures today TWO! I am so tired of this shit so tired of my body feeling like its 80 I wish it would just go away. The stress is getting to me and I know it, I have to find a job I don't want to go so far away I fucking hate what I have become and I know it’s because I am frying my brain I know its cuz the more seizures I have the less cognitive ability I have but how do you explain that to someone who takes care of you how do you explain that they are taking the best care of you then you have received in your whole life and it is the same as caring for someone with fatal cancer that no matter what your brain will turn to mush that each seizure you have is a job opportunity lost because I can't spell like I used to I can't think like I used to, need a calculator to do basic math and that you pray every day that by the time your thirty you wonder will you still be able to remember who you are? Who they are? And the life you shared? I am so terrified that I will have early onset Alzheimer and then what I will be this vegetable I will be nothing of the person she once knew but she loved me still and so I would burden her with my needs. I worry that the epilepsy or my life has made a selfish person that no matter how much I love her my worries or concerns about when I will have another one where I will have it and if she is going to be there will never allow me to fully put her needs first ITS NOT FAIR I LOVE HER I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL ITS NOT FAIR I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE I WANT A BRAIN TRANSPLANT I WANT STAY WITH HER MAKE LIFE WITH HER IN OUR HOME WITH A WHITE PICKET FENCE A DOG A CAT AND TWO POINT FIVE CHILDREN. I DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE TO SEE ME LIKE THIS ANYMORE I AM HAPPY I LOVE HER AND I WISH THE MEDS WOULD LET ME SHOW I WISH I COULD JUST STOP TAKING THEM I KNOW THATS WHY I AM NOT WHO I USED TO BE I KNOW THATS WHY I AM NO LONGER THE APPLES SHE ONCE KNEW THIS DISORDER IS STRIPPING AWAY ALL OF ME I REFUSE TO LET IT TAKE MY PERSONALITY maybe I should just stop taking them maybe then I will be able to be myself again.

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This is a real diary entry of mine; I started keeping them only last week. I am not sure why, I guess it was to record how often my seizures were occurring but there is just so much emotion with each one. So much frustration I had to write more I had to write it down so that others know that being angry is okay. That feeling that you have no control over your life is valid.

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If you’re unfamiliar with epilepsy it’s a common chronic neurological disorder that is characterized by recurrent unprovoked seizures. Well I don't know about unprovoked sometimes if I don't sleep enough or am too stressed out I can have them (insomnia and anxiety are side effects of the meds, irony at its best eh?)

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There are many kinds of seizures but I will not list them because being a medical journal isn't the purpose of this blog. The purpose is to humanize epilepsy, I am sick of being treated like a time bomb that could explode at any moment. I am sick of being poked and prodded and being fired because people are afraid. Most of all I am sick of watching other people my age enjoy their youth while I search for job after job because my brain glitched and I tossed the fries into the fryer without their little tray and broke it ,so they framed me to fire me because they were smart and didn't want a lawsuit. Or drive so that I actually have a chance at getting a job outside of the job dry town I live in.

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Is it so wrong to want the college experience, but because of the dilantin and topamax and my mother together my depression was so bad I had to drop out of high school to stay alive. If you mention depression in high school they laugh at you and say your just lazy forget about help. Try to kill yourself you just want attention, because after all only people after the age of 30 or so have real problems only they have the right to say there is something wrong with me, can you please help me.

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Needless to say in a short month I will be homeless and far away from girl I mentioned above. I will be in DC and she will be here in CA. All because I am an epileptic Asshole!

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-Epi

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